Thin Me, Fat Me: Weight Gain and Esteem Loss

An overweight woman measures her waist with a tape measure

When I think of myself it’s as two distinct people. The me of before and the me of now.

The me of before is slim, energetic and able to wear what she likes. She chooses clothes because of how exciting they are. She is not scared of eating in public. The me of before loves exercising and runs for the sheer joy of it. Her body is a tool, a vehicle that transports her around all the fun things she wants to do.

The me of now is fat. I toyed with writing ‘overweight’ or ‘bigger’ there instead, but the truth of the matter is current me is FAT. She binge eats, a compulsion that she cannot put an end to. She wears clothes that are baggy, or that comfortably billow over rolls of pudge. She worries she smells. She feels rotten even in full make up and an expensive dress. The me of now is ashamed to enjoy food in front of others. She is sick of people explaining to her that the key to losing weight is eating less and exercising more like that piece of scientific wisdom had never been passed down to her before. She’s lethargic and full of loathing.

You see, I was a size 8 to 10 for the first half of my 20s. I liked to exercise and I enjoyed eating healthy food. I always felt fat regardless because I am a woman, but I wasn’t, not really. Then a few years ago I started a new job. It was night shift and it meant being away from home, in a hotel, for three nights a week. I ballooned. I didn’t have the energy to go to the gym, I wasn’t able to cook for myself for part of the week and for the rest of it I was too tired to make healthy choices.

I’ve quit that job since, but I can’t seem to rein it in. I go through cycles of good intentions; I eat healthily for a couple of days, or do some light exercise for a week and then it dribbles off to nothing. Eventually I find myself binge eating a multipack of hula hoops, or a loaf of bread with butter, filled with even more hatred for myself.

Here’s what I can’t understand; if I know that to lose weight I need to sustain a routine of eating healthy food and exercising regularly, then why can’t I do it? I know I need to do this, why is it so difficult to follow through? I’ve been fat for so long now that I have friends who have no idea I used to be a normal weight. I have begun to worry that this is me now, forever.

Some people say to embrace your body, whatever your size. I can’t do that. I don’t wear this weight well. I wear it like an unconvincing fat suit. I look at plus size women and they look great. When I look in the mirror I look unhealthy, slimy, ugly. And yet even armed with both my self disgust and my knowledge of how to fix it, I keep failing.

I didn’t put this up here for all the world to see in order to wallow. I put it here to say: this is me, this is my problem and it needs fixing. It might be the season of mince pies and hot chocolate but I can’t afford to wait until the New Year to get a handle on this. Starting right now (not tomorrow, not Monday) I am making a change for the better. Anyone with me?

Have you struggled with weight gain? Let me know in the comments below or by emailing hello@terriblypersonal.com

I Wrote a Book Now What?

papers spilling from a typewriter

I have wanted to be a writer all my life. I am always writing in some way or another. Mainly it’s in my head, narrating my each and every action, elaborating on my feelings, but I’m writing. My life is the story and I tell it to myself as I live it.

Eventually the story in my head wasn’t enough. I knew deep down I was a writer but to be a writer I needed to put words on a page; one after the other until they formed an entire thing. Last year I started doing just that. I started out with a rough idea that wouldn’t go away. It was just a flicker of a thing. It would keep me awake or occupy me on my commute to work. I started writing. I didn’t have a plan, I didn’t shape the thing, I just kept putting one word after another until it was finished.

I had the first draft of a book.

On the 24th of November when I typed ‘The End’ because I didn’t know what else to do to give me closure, I expected to feel euphoric but I didn’t. I felt agitated. I couldn’t relax. For months now I’d been occupied with this thing, this book, and now I didn’t have it any more. When it was in my head it was wrapped in possibilities. It could be perfect. It could be anything. On the page, I could see it was not perfect and it was this one particular thing instead of the many possibilities I had once wondered about.

A first draft is messy. It’s not meant to be perfect. You put the words into the first draft in order to have something to shape, to edit, to polish. Still, I expected to feel accomplished when I wrote the last word, or when I saved the document (backed up in triplicate), or when I told people, “hey, that book I was writing? I finished it.”

But it didn’t feel like that. As I put the draft away so that I can forget about it, let it grow blurry in my mind over Christmas and then return to it with a red pen, I only felt an overwhelming sense of what was left to do. This book needs tearing apart and putting back together again. It needs rounding and sharpening and tightening and tuning. The prospect of all this work is both alarming and exciting. I can’t wait to work this novel into something worth reading and at the same time I worry I am not worthy of the task.

Then there’s all the other ideas. Notebooks full of them. How I went 26 years nearly free of ideas for any creative projects is unfathomable, because now they crop up all the time. Most of them are faint glimmers that I transcribe into the ‘notes’ section of my phone and vow to go back to later. There are so many things I want to make – books, scripts, poems, blog posts, that often I am frozen by the overwhelming massiveness of it all. When will I have the time? Will I be good enough?

The answer is: you make the time, you make yourself good enough.

Adventures in Joblessness

Unemployment

Where have I been?

Well, lots of places and also nowhere at all.

I lost my job and have struggled to find another and with that I’ve been feeling a lot of uselessness, and hopelessness. When a fourth rejection comes in, for a job I know I am more than qualified for, it’s easy to sink into feeling like I’ll never get a job. It’s easy to blame myself – I must be too stupid, or not good enough and that’s why no one will employ me.

But that’s not true. I’m a qualified and capable individual. I live in a small city where there aren’t many jobs going at all, let alone ones I match the (increasingly more detailed and complex) person specifications of.

I know that a job doesn’t give me identity, but it does give money and money begets freedom. The freedom to do as you choose, the freedom to eat, and wear, and go where you like. And identity is very tied into the things you choose to do. When you don’t have a job, you don’t have money and when you don’t have money your choices are limited.

Now that my choices are limited, I feel limited. I used to feel limitless. The world was mine to conquer. I would travel all over it, I would buy things from it. The space I occupied was wide and open and expanding all the time.

But being unemployed is very claustrophobic. I’m hemmed in. Narrowed off. Limited. I occupy this house which is in turns my home and my prison. Which is a dramatic way of saying: I feel stuck and bored.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. A job will come along and when it does I will complain that it takes up too much of my time and energy.

In the meantime, I have acres and acres of time to fill with blog posts and Netflix.

You Deserve It

Self care you deserve it

I always thought I had self care down to a fine art. I take baths, drink copious glasses of wine and take time to watch trashy TV. I’ve been known to make myself a faaaaancy latte. But recently I’ve realised those things are just surface level ‘self care signifiers’ and what I really needed was something much deeper and more difficult to achieve.

This week has been hard for me. Nothing awful has happened but there have been a few bumps in the road and each one has left me more depleted and less resilient. Each evening I’ve got home and tried to do something nice for myself, to be kind to myself. I’ve soaked in the bath, had an early night, and eaten more biscuits than should be humanly possible. In the moment, those things have made me feel temporarily better but they have been like wallpapering over a crack in a wall.

You see, self care is more than a manicure and a glass of wine in front of this week’s episode of Dr Foster. Not that self care can’t involve manicures and alcohol and TV. But it has to also be more than that or else it isn’t going to give you real lasting benefits – or I’ve found it doesn’t with me, anyway.

I noticed this week that while I may decide to have a ‘relaxing’ bath, or ‘chill out’ watching telly, or to do some yoga, I do these things like any mandatory item on my to do list but with an added side of guilt. Whilst I’m floating in the bath I’m counting down the minutes until I have to go and tackle the monster pile of dishes in the sink, or I’m listening to a podcast to better utilise my time. Whilst I’m watching TV I’m also reading a newspaper, or I’m feeling guilty about the 34657 more ‘important’ things I could be doing.

Self care is being kind to yourself. Berating yourself for needing to veg out on the sofa, cocooned in a blanket, for an hour is not kind. Feeling your stress level intensify each minute you soak in the tub because you actually need to be doing something more ‘worthwhile’ is not kind. Never listening to music in the morning because you feel like you really should be watching the news is not kind.

Doing kind things only works when you cut out the internal monologue that tells you you only have five minutes to read that book, that tells you that you should be cleaning, not painting your nails, that whispers ‘this is essentially just procrastination’ as you curate your very own 90’s love song playlist.

Enter my new mantra: you deserve this.

When you deserve something it’s a reward. It has been earned and here it is, a lovely gift in recognition of all your hard work.

“You can squeeze in a quick bath but afterwards you need to clean the kitchen,” does not have the same ring to it as you deserve a deep, hot bath and a bath bomb.

Then I started thinking about what I truly deserved. What did I deserve in my life? What did I deserve to experience as part of my day.

I deserved a glass of wine but also, I deserved a healthy green smoothie because that was going to help me feel energetic.

I deserved to listen to cheesy pop music on the way to work. I deserved a long, hot bath followed by enough guilt free time to moisturise both my arms and my legs in one session. I deserved an early night without worrying I was sleeping my life away (I’m tired dammit!)

As the week wore on what I felt I deserved evolved. I deserved to speak up in that meeting. I deserved not to spend hours second guessing a decision I made at work. I deserved a night off the house work – to leave the dishes in the sink and the laundry in the hamper. I deserved to take the time to read poetry. I deserved to write and to do so without apology or shame.

Today, I ended up having to walk home. The walk is long (an hour at least) and through winding country lanes. I spent a lot of the day dreading it. But when the time came, the clouds parted and the sun came out.

I deserve to walk home in the sunshine, I thought. And I did deserve it and it felt so unbelievably good as I stood looking into the valley where my house is, all lit up by golden autumn sunshine. I turned my face up to the sun and the fresh air hit my skin and I smiled. I realised the thing I had been dreading all day was something I actually wanted to be part of my life, it was something I felt I deserved. Do I think I need to walk an hour in the rain? No thank you, I’m not insane.

When I got home I realised I deserve to live in a clean house and I cleaned it. Was it glorious and life affirming? No. But it felt like I was doing it for me and not just because it was something I had to do. Sometimes I feel like I only ever do things I have to do and it takes all the joy out of living.

These are the things I want in my life: poetry, love, wine, music, writing, long walks, slouchy jumpers, singing and dancing, laughter, cooking, doing my job well, being a good friend, helping make the world a better place, eating cake, drinking tea, long baths, candlelight, terrible period dramas, a good book and a better blanket.

And I deserve all of these. I deserve them.

I earned all those things and I have a right to claim them and in claiming them I have the right not to feel guilty for carving out the time to enjoy them.

We all deserve to live the best lives we can. We’ve earned this, you deserve it.

A Film For What Ails You

A film for what ails you

Now autumn is upon us and the nights are drawing in, there’s no greater comfort than curling up on the sofa with a chunk of Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut, a glass of wine and watching a film.

For any affliction of the spirit, there’s a film to fix you – and if it doesn’t fix you it will at least provide you with a couple of hour’s worth of entertainment.

For when you feel like the world is a terrible place. There is such a thing as watching too much news. Whilst it’s great (and important) to be informed, there’s no shame in taking a break to watch something completely escapist. Think of it as replenishing your reserves.

For this, I think the best things to reach for are any films with animals in: Homeward Bound, Turner and Hooch, Jurassic Park. Pretty much any musical will help with this too – Grease, or even better Grease 2, My Fair Lady, The Wizard of Oz – they’re all going to transport you to an all singing, all dancing world of fun where the threat of nuclear war is but a distant memory.

For when you need motivating. Hello, this is me all the time. When I need a cinematic kick up the arse I turn to Working Girl, Dirty Dancing (she practises so much guys, and she’s on holiday) and Rocky. Thief is also strangely motivating…motivating me to start a life of crime!

For when you need to laugh. I’m here to tell you that I watched Role Models once a week for almost the entirety of 2009, and 2009 was better for it.

Special mentions for Wet Hot American Summer and Legally Blonde.

For when you want a hug and a warm bath. If you want a hug and a warm bath, maybe first go and source those two things BUT AFTER THAT watch My Best Friend’s Wedding, Sleepless in Seattle and the BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice.

For when you need to feel a little bit magical. Now let me recommend you all go and watch the greatest film of all time, which I watched e v e r y night of my second year of uni or else I could not fall asleep (drum roll please): Practical Magic.

Special mentions here go Hocus Pocus, The Craft and Matilda.

What are your go to films for when you feel down in the dumps? Do you watch any films over and over again? Let me know in the comments or email hello@terriblypersonal.com

Messy House, Messy Mind.

messy house messy mind

Can you function when your house is a mess?

I can’t.

I try to, because I am an incredibly messy person. I leave things lying around, I don’t get to the washing up until there’s a thick layer of scum on the water I filled the sink with and ignored, intending to get back to it later. I leave the laundry until it’s overflowed the basket and taken over most of the landing. I leave little piles of clutter; books, pens, nail varnish, hair bands, wherever I go.

Mugs multiply whenever I am near. They spring up in their hundreds, half full of cold coffee or soggy herbal teabags, crescents of lipstick mark them like a brand. Post is collected eagerly from the door mat and then neglected on top of the microwave until such a huge pile has amassed that it warrants its own escort out to the recycling bin. Speaking of bins, the kitchen bin is left to overflow until its lid hangs off at a jaunty angle, pushed out by all the rubbish.

All of this I hate.

If the carpet is gritty with dirt, if the couch cushions aren’t plumped evenly, if my desk is smeared with mug rings and fingerprints, if the bath is not pristine, if the windows are snotty from the cat rubbing his little pink nose on them, if the laundry is not dealt with, if the bedding is not fresh, if the kitchen floor has not been mopped, if the cobwebs in the corners have not been dusted and the spiders humanely rehomed, if there is clutter and envelopes and tiny pieces of amazon parcel tape adorning every surface, I cannot concentrate.

If the house is a mess, my mind is a mess. Ironically, if the house is a mess, the mess so overwhelms me that I can’t summon the energy to clean it.

I read an article recently that said creative people are often on the messier side. Well, I am messy but I can’t be creative when my environment is messy. I can’t do anything when there’s a mess around which seems very unfair for someone as adverse to tidying as me.

I think what makes it worse is seeing people’s houses on Instagram looking all beautiful and neat. People with tidy homes seem to have their life together in a way I wonder if I’ll ever achieve. I wonder how much more productive I would be if instead of this doomed cycle of mess the house up, stress about the mess, resist cleaning until the house is incredibly messy, spend an entire day cleaning, I just kept it clean. I could wash up after every meal, do a load of laundry whenever enough dirty clothes accumulated, vacuum every few days, take the mugs downstairs instead of letting them fester in my bedroom. If I kept on top of things, I’d never have to waste time thinking about how I’m incapable of keeping on top of things, I wouldn’t ever have to eat cereal out of a measuring jug, there would be no slumping on the sofa whilst rendered almost catatonic by the sheer filth of my home.

But where would be the fun in that? Like the old adage says: you haven’t lived unless you’ve had to wear your bikini as underwear because you haven’t done laundry for four months.

Are you messy? Can you function when your home is a mess? Let me know in the comments or at hello@terriblypersonal.com

Back to School

fresh start September - back to school

There’s something about September. The dip in temperature, the need for jackets and scarves (and brollies – this is England), the shortening days. And,of course, the sense of a fresh start. I love the feeling of Sundays spent organising for the week ahead, of good intentions, of a renewed sense of purpose.

I am a fresh start junkie. No, I am an addict of planning a fresh start. In preparation for a week of healthy eating I could spend the whole weekend clearing out cupboards, collating recipes, writing shopping lists and imagining the new wardrobe of clothes my trim new waistline will require. At Christmas, and new year and on every birthday I write copious amounts in my diary about how I’m going to be a shiny new person once this imaginary line in the sand has passed.

September is the best of all these fresh starts. For me, someone who actually works in a school, it comes after a long break so that I feel excited and ready to resume my routine. I’ve had long enough off to come up with some really solid plans of how I would like this school year to go. Usually my plans involve wearing excellent jumpers and not crying in December when the flu and Christmas shopping stress converge in what I like to call: HELL. I might also throw in something about drinking more water and being more productive (a blanket term that implies I will stop doing all the things that make be a bad person). I write all these things down in my brand new notebook using my brand new pen and my best handwriting. Then I put them into my handbag which I have cleared of all receipts and hoovered the biscuit crumbs out of.

For the first few weeks of September I lay the clothes for the following day out the night before and I pack a nutritious lunch before I go to bed. I start each morning with, dare I say it, excitement and due to my efficiency everything runs smoothly and nothing seems hard. Because I’m on top of the housework, when I get home I’m able to enjoy reading, watching a film or writing without worrying that I should really be cleaning the kitchen before the mouldy dishes become sentient. I go to bed early and happy and prepared for the next day.

Then, one weekend I might leave the washing up and the laundry to fester because I drank too much cheap white wine on Saturday night and now I want to be in a completely dark, completely silent sanctuary where nobody touches me. I might have to scramble around on Monday looking for clean tights and a blouse that goes with the only pair of trousers that don’t have yoghurt on them. I end up rushing to work because I left late, my whole day feels flustered and hurried. I have a red, sweaty face and my fringe sticks to my forehead. When I get home, the satisfaction of getting things done and being organised can’t offer me the same solace as a slab of lasagne and a glass of wine in front of Bake Off. Heavily carbed and half-drunk, I crawl into bed without taking my make-up off. And so I go back to my old ways; I do things half heartedly and at the last minute.

I know all this. That somewhere at the end of September, or the start of October if I’m really lucky, all my energy for being organised will slip away. Though I might try to get it back it will elude me – seeming only to work in conjunction with a societally acknowledged ‘reset’ time – like the beginning of September, or a birthday. I won’t be able to properly get myself straight till the new year – the most widely accepted fresh start of them all.

These ‘fresh start’ dates don’t hold any special power that I know of. I know that this Monday is as good as any other Monday to start being a better version of myself. I also know that making a mistake doesn’t mean you should give up, you can have a weekend off, or start the week with a bump and turn things around on some unimportant Wednesday. But it never has the same sort of gleeful energy when you do it that way.

And even though I know all this will come crashing down in the near future, I’m still excited for my September fresh start. I’m still approaching it with joy and a fresh notebook and a neatly written to do list that is not written on the inside lid of a tampon box. I’m enjoying the fact that I used fabric conditioner and all my clothes now smell like tropical flowers. I keep staring at my impeccably organised handbag with wonder. My nails are painted, my eyebrows are plucked, my bookshelves are tidy.

I feel like I can conquer the world, or at least the next two weeks.

Do you love a fresh start? What do you like to do to get organised? Let me know in the comments or email hello@terriblypersonal.com

Cringe Culture: Trust Me (BBC One)

Cringe Culture is a weekly look at what’s making me cringe in books, TV and film. If you have any suggestions for things you would like me to cover comment below or email hello@terriblypersonal.com.

cringe
Here I am, cringing at another lie!

I’ve been watching Trust Me, BBC One’s drama of lies staring Jodie Whittaker. The final of its four parts aired on Tuesday and left me (and a lot of other viewers) a little confused.

The drama centres around Cath (Whittaker) a dedicated nurse who is unfairly sacked for raising concerns about the level of care patients are receiving. Unfathomably, she decides to steal her doctor friend’s identity (and degree certificates) and is soon working as a doctor in Edinburgh. The rest of the drama focuses on Cath, or Ally as she is mainly known, trying to keep a lid on her lie as she continues to work, forms a relationship with her superior and attempts to keep her daughter’s father from making the short trip up from Sheffield and catching her in her lie.

I won’t spoil the end for any one who hasn’t watched it – but it did leave me shouting, “WHAT?!” at the telly and wondering what the point of the whole thing had been.

Anyway, I’m not here to debate the wonky ending, I’m here to talk about all the cringe-worthy moments.

You might think that a serious (and largely dark) drama wouldn’t be rich in cringe, but there you’d be wrong. From the moment Cath decides to lie the viewer is gritting their teeth in preparation of her getting found out. The first lie is one thing, but throughout the four episodes she has countless opportunities to come clean and each time she decides not to, and in turn embeds herself deeper into her falsehood, you cringe. Throughout a lot of Trust Me, I was wondering why Cath didn’t just leave the hospital and run away to avoid being found out. She’s grimly determined to stick it out, for reasons that are never satisfactorily explained.

Then there’s her treatment of patients. She seems to be doing a grand job at first and we momentarily relax thinking she’s got this and it’s all going to be fine. But then a trickier case, requiring urgent care comes in and she is completely flummoxed. Time stretches out whilst she hyperventilates and wonders what to do, eventually she yells, “I don’t know what I’m doing,” at her colleague (a feeling I’m sure we can all relate to when the printer goes wonky on a Friday afternoon). Still, she gets away with it and her treatment of patients mainly goes off without a hitch.

To stop her lie being discovered, she ends up having to fabricate more lies. The most sinister of which is that her ex, Karl (a bit of a no hoper) was abusive towards her and her daughter. Whilst Karl was a bit of a shit we understand that he wasn’t violent towards his family and this lie seems most unfair. Cath, to her credit, always seems a little uncomfortable when she tells it but whether this is because she’s backed into a corner and close to being found out, or because she genuinely feels bad about trashing Karl is unclear. Every time she gives this lie as an excuse for her new start in Scotland we cringe. It was one thing lying for, what we expect are noble, reasons of getting back at the NHS and giving her daughter a better life. But this plain untruth makes it clear to us: Cath is a liar.

For all it’s unexplained bits (how did she pull it all off, technically?), and ambiguous moments (are we meant to like Andy, or is he a bit suspect?) Trust Me was an enjoyable watch, despite the cringe factor. It’s always uncomfortable to watch someone lying when you know the truth, it’s painful to see them dig themselves deeper in an effort to keep up the pretence and that effort was acted beautifully by Jodie Whittaker.

Did you watch Trust Me? I’d love to hear your thoughts on it in the comments or at hello@terriblypersonal.com

10 of my Most Pointless Fears

ONE:  That I will be wrongly convicted of a crime I didn’t commit.

TWO:  That my cat will sit on my face whilst I’m asleep and suffocate me.

THREE:  That I have slept for two days and missed a day of work – somehow without anyone calling me to find out where I am.

FOUR:  When I go to meet someone at a planned place, at a planned time, I worry that I invented the plan myself and they won’t show up, despite having proof on my phone that the plan was indeed made by both of us.

FIVE:  That I sleep talk all my secrets, even though I don’t have any secrets.

SIX:  Halfway through a really high note of a song (that I’ve already committed to sing) I worry that people other than my boyfriend can hear my caterwauling.

SEVEN:  That somehow what I’m listening to on Spotify is being broadcast on my Facebook page. Although is there any shame in Celine Dion and Lisa Loeb?

EIGHT:  Sometimes mid-conversation I am gripped with the fear that I have forgotten my accent and started using another one without trying to or being able to hear it. This has never actually happened (to my knowledge).

NINE:  That the way I have been pronouncing my name (correctly) for 27 years is incorrect and next time some administrator asks me it over the phone they’re going to erupt into laughter.

TEN:   That all my friends have gone to the trouble of creating alternate WhatsApp group chats without me to talk about me behind my back, or simply to avoid having to listen to my ‘jokes’.

Online Friendships – Should we GIF a F*CK?

online communication

It can sometimes seem like this is the age of the introvert. The internet makes it increasingly easy for us quieter people to function and recently there’s been a slew of introvert promotion from Susan Cain’s Quiet, to Rebecca Holman’s Beta: Quiet Girls Can Run The World 

I’m a typical introvert and as such I find it easier to communicate in writing than I do verbally. I’m also very sensitive so when I’m engaging with written communication I can sometimes read texts and emails in the worst possible tone, assuming someone is annoyed with me when they actually were just busy. I don’t struggle to make friends but I do find it difficult to foster big ‘group’ friendships (I was never part of a clique) and it used to be something that really worried me.

Recently, I’ve noticed some introverts crediting the internet with enabling them to create huge friendship networks from the comfort of their sofas and I wanted to investigate how that works and whether an online friendship can equal an offline one.

Continue reading “Online Friendships – Should we GIF a F*CK?”